Goddamn fucking normal life relationship problems. Doesn't anybody else get sick of how normal their problems are?
Who hasn't had a relationship end and been upset about it?
Who doesn't know like 12 people who are depressed?
Who didn't get rejected by someone that was super important?
Who didn't feel awkward in the middle of being a kid and an adult?
Seriously. All of our problems are so regular. Over played really. This is what frustrates me. People have dealt with this before so how dare I feel like it's so hard. Or worse things are happening all the time so I'm an idiot to feel like this is so important. Thinking like that is not very helpful. It just pisses me off more, makes me more frustrated, fuels me to repress it all. Talking about it pisses me off too because everyone has all the answers. They've been through it so they know exactly how to handle it. I'm sure that's true. But not really. I am not going to be able to do it. I can listen to you, and you are probably making sense but your way is probably not going to be the way I handle it. I don't handle anything in a way that I deem normal. Maybe YOU've seen it all before but to me this is all random ass crazy shit, and will be dealt with respectively.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The Dispenser
I am not a writer. Writers are writing all the time. They fill up napkins, and notebooks, and diaries with all of their thoughts.
I am a dispenser. I wait to get filled with everything humanly possibly and then I hook up to some form of writing and use it as a release. Like syrup out of a tree, or milking a cow, it doesn't happen because the tree or the cow are good at it, it is just part of nature, and survival. So I dispense. Sometimes it comes out in all these rants and lots of honesty, and on the spot revelations that I'll later find fault in but were sufficient enough that I could write them out and it helps me make sense of things. Other times I find myself spending lots of time with stuff like::
It was midnight bleak and weary
Ed. Allan Poe is pretty dreary
Fuck my life, my brain is scary
Poetry sucks, blah blah bleary
I feel like I understand myself a lot more when I can write it out. Of course in a month or a week I'll read it all and be way pissed because There is just way more then that going on. That doesn't even cover it. and I sound like such a whiny immature dweeb. But whatever future Lindsay, that's your problem .
Right now this is helpful.
I am a dispenser. I wait to get filled with everything humanly possibly and then I hook up to some form of writing and use it as a release. Like syrup out of a tree, or milking a cow, it doesn't happen because the tree or the cow are good at it, it is just part of nature, and survival. So I dispense. Sometimes it comes out in all these rants and lots of honesty, and on the spot revelations that I'll later find fault in but were sufficient enough that I could write them out and it helps me make sense of things. Other times I find myself spending lots of time with stuff like::
It was midnight bleak and weary
Ed. Allan Poe is pretty dreary
Fuck my life, my brain is scary
Poetry sucks, blah blah bleary
I feel like I understand myself a lot more when I can write it out. Of course in a month or a week I'll read it all and be way pissed because There is just way more then that going on. That doesn't even cover it. and I sound like such a whiny immature dweeb. But whatever future Lindsay, that's your problem .
Right now this is helpful.
The Relationship
The fuck. Be aware that the next several posts will not be able to be made with out some intense swearing. I am not editing this shit, it's just raw Late:00 thought. And my thoughts are all entangled with f words, and things we don't say around the children, or the really nice Mormon friends.
I'm skipping the gory beginning, the mutual heartache, the nice friendship, the fun of being a little bit more than friends, being jealous, getting together, feelings, moving away, etc. It's relevant but it's a long story.
Fast Forward then.
How I process this relationship.
I did NOT want to be friends. I tried a few times to just disappear AKA change my number, delete facebook, move 2800 miles away. WHY DID I NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS? Somewhere in my physiologically damaged brain, either because I was raised a Mormon, or my Parents are just really prevalent in my life, and their approval is what I base my life on I knew we should not be together. I KNEW IT. With every fiber of my brain, I knew there was no future together. The hell with it all, and the reasons I had to make it make sense in the real world. It was doomed. Why? Who cares. I just knew it. SO this being fact to me the other fact that I had hopelessly, irreversibly fallen for this boy was a BIG PROBLEM. It meant that no matter what my brain was spelling out for me, and no matter how many logical sense making reasons I could come up with I really just wanted to be with him. Him right in front of me and there was no point in thinking about anything else. He was very big to my life. Very important. Very crucial. This side of me did not care that I knew we couldn't be. And if we were going to be friends then we were going to be together. So naturally there was all this internal conflict. Really I don't even know how aware I was of all of this at the time. There was fighting, and crying, and accusing, and moving, and long distance relationshipping, and more accusing, and then I stopped contact for a bit. On occasion there would be a breach and it would rock my comfortably in denial life but mostly having no contact kept the turmoil at peace. I was in the middle of all these other fake relationships, with people I will forget in a year, and living my life up to the expectations of everyone. Considering that they knew I'd dropped out of college, and was living with my grandparents it was easy.
Then, BAM, I move back. I've decided it is time to go back to school. An Era of Progress is due, I was excited about my plan for college. I was excited to be moving, because I do great when I just keep moving, and I had a rule. We were not going to be friends. He would text me, and I would answer sometimes, and I went to see him because I couldn't help myself and I had to say hi it had been 9 fucking months.. But I was still pretty sure we weren't going to see much of each other. But this other part of Lindsay, was pretty damn sure that I could go screw myself. She was going to get back with him, and they were going to be happy, and I could deal with it. And I did. I decided it was worth it because it was so easy to be friends again, and it was so great to be around him, and it wasn't perfect but that made it even better because it was real.
Dark patch in my memory. Although deserved because I think it came from fear, learned from prior fickleness, and inconsistency, he wanted to have everything we had before but no commitment. At one point, crying as was trend, I came to him telling him I couldn't do that. That the way we were behaving warranted a relationship and I wasn't acting single, and I didn't want to be single.. and blah blah blah He said if he had to choose he chose no relationship. Well I was very sad about that for about 12 to 24 hours, then I decided to suck it up because I wasn't willing to lose him even if it meant that I was going to feel like a piece of shit in the mean time. Gotta love that poor self esteem. Of course almost a month later he was ready to be in a relationship. Instead of really sticking up for myself and demanding a really good explanation of why it was now convenient to be my boyfriend I thought it was the best thing ever and took another blow to my self esteem, and set up a relationship where clearly what was best for him was the priority.
Moving forward. We had some really great days. I can grab at will dozens of really great memories. So much laughing, and enjoying life, so many random hysterical conversations, a lot of Food Network entertainment. I had days were I really just thought about how happy we were, and how great it was. Unfortunately I am generally pretty on and off depressed. I really don't like to be, I really despise being depressed, and I'm actively fighting it away all the time. This is just what I think I did next. I'm not really sure. I'm not a shrink. I think I decided that our relationship was my life. It was what I was getting up for, it was what I was making plans for, it was why I picked out my clothes, it was everything. Girls do that right? I wasn't thinking that this was what I was doing. But I wasn't doing anything else. I wasn't making friends or having a separate life. Even living an hour away didn't stop this from happening. I was using it, a good thing I had found in my life, to make my whole life feel good. It was my only concern so I wasn't depressed. Obviously this was going to cause problems. He, being a fairly normal person was living a separate life. This was great, I was probably some how vicariously living through him. I think fake Dr. Laura talks about that shit in her "10 Stupid Things Woman Do To Mess Up Their Lives" book. But because he had a separate life, and I was making him my life I was starting to get dissatisfied. I was obviously putting more effort into it, because it was too important to me. I was making all of my decisions based on US, and that was unhealthy. The more I focused on it, the more messed up it became. Things that didn't previously bother me started to bother me, he wasn't perfect, so I was upset because that didn't fit into my perfect alter reality that was keeping me out of my real world which consisted of me being depressed. So finally the wall broke and reality crashed in and I had made a HUGE ASS MESS. We had a really good relationship, but it was a source of conflict for me. I was mad at him for messing it up, I had randomly woken up pissed that I hadn't had the self esteem to say something more about the whole "I'd have to chose no relationship" thing, and I couldn't think of any possible way for it to be fixed there were to many little things that were broken, too much that was wrong, and again I just knew we didn't have a future.
So we broke up. And it's all been frighteningly familiar. First he cares a lot, this has come out of no where and he is very upset. I am easily swayed at first, because I still love him, but I eventually stick to my "We're broken up" mantra and that sticks. Then we have to decide to be friends. Half the time I'd rather not be because I am already dealing with stopping myself from calling him up ALL THE TIME and begging for forgiveness and praying that we can just go back to being happy. The other half is that I know I've already tried that, and maybe what we really need is to stay friends because it's too hard to just rip out that part of our lives and move on. So we decide to be friends. Now I get to watch as he accepts that we're over, gets sick of me talking about it because "he's heard all this before," and he'll move on. That's what is supposed to happen, it's happened before, and it's happening now. I hate it. This part right where I feel like I'm never going to care about anyone as much as I care about him, and he is deciding that it is time to move on so he doesn't get hurt anymore. It is the worst part. It's going to be permanent too. I know this feeling. We've been through this process before. I'll probably even decide that I made a huge mistake but I'll be so aware of how far gone he is that I have to stick to my decision, which is what I want. It just makes for never getting over it.
What am I going to do? I'm not an idiot. I know that my problem roots much deeper. The way I handled this situation was a symptom of depression (and normal stuff, I know that some of this is very "o Lindsay everyone deals with that" shit...WHATEVER) not the cause of it. SO I guess I'm seeing a shrink. Hopefully I'll get shrunk, and I'll have revelations, and I'll keep forcing myself to do normal people things, so that eventually I become a normal person. I'm doubtful. I just hope I'm not stuck on repeat forever. I'm really pissed off with myself lately. For so many reasons.
and that's how at 3:19 am I see that relationship.
I'm skipping the gory beginning, the mutual heartache, the nice friendship, the fun of being a little bit more than friends, being jealous, getting together, feelings, moving away, etc. It's relevant but it's a long story.
Fast Forward then.
How I process this relationship.
I did NOT want to be friends. I tried a few times to just disappear AKA change my number, delete facebook, move 2800 miles away. WHY DID I NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS? Somewhere in my physiologically damaged brain, either because I was raised a Mormon, or my Parents are just really prevalent in my life, and their approval is what I base my life on I knew we should not be together. I KNEW IT. With every fiber of my brain, I knew there was no future together. The hell with it all, and the reasons I had to make it make sense in the real world. It was doomed. Why? Who cares. I just knew it. SO this being fact to me the other fact that I had hopelessly, irreversibly fallen for this boy was a BIG PROBLEM. It meant that no matter what my brain was spelling out for me, and no matter how many logical sense making reasons I could come up with I really just wanted to be with him. Him right in front of me and there was no point in thinking about anything else. He was very big to my life. Very important. Very crucial. This side of me did not care that I knew we couldn't be. And if we were going to be friends then we were going to be together. So naturally there was all this internal conflict. Really I don't even know how aware I was of all of this at the time. There was fighting, and crying, and accusing, and moving, and long distance relationshipping, and more accusing, and then I stopped contact for a bit. On occasion there would be a breach and it would rock my comfortably in denial life but mostly having no contact kept the turmoil at peace. I was in the middle of all these other fake relationships, with people I will forget in a year, and living my life up to the expectations of everyone. Considering that they knew I'd dropped out of college, and was living with my grandparents it was easy.
Then, BAM, I move back. I've decided it is time to go back to school. An Era of Progress is due, I was excited about my plan for college. I was excited to be moving, because I do great when I just keep moving, and I had a rule. We were not going to be friends. He would text me, and I would answer sometimes, and I went to see him because I couldn't help myself and I had to say hi it had been 9 fucking months.. But I was still pretty sure we weren't going to see much of each other. But this other part of Lindsay, was pretty damn sure that I could go screw myself. She was going to get back with him, and they were going to be happy, and I could deal with it. And I did. I decided it was worth it because it was so easy to be friends again, and it was so great to be around him, and it wasn't perfect but that made it even better because it was real.
Dark patch in my memory. Although deserved because I think it came from fear, learned from prior fickleness, and inconsistency, he wanted to have everything we had before but no commitment. At one point, crying as was trend, I came to him telling him I couldn't do that. That the way we were behaving warranted a relationship and I wasn't acting single, and I didn't want to be single.. and blah blah blah He said if he had to choose he chose no relationship. Well I was very sad about that for about 12 to 24 hours, then I decided to suck it up because I wasn't willing to lose him even if it meant that I was going to feel like a piece of shit in the mean time. Gotta love that poor self esteem. Of course almost a month later he was ready to be in a relationship. Instead of really sticking up for myself and demanding a really good explanation of why it was now convenient to be my boyfriend I thought it was the best thing ever and took another blow to my self esteem, and set up a relationship where clearly what was best for him was the priority.
Moving forward. We had some really great days. I can grab at will dozens of really great memories. So much laughing, and enjoying life, so many random hysterical conversations, a lot of Food Network entertainment. I had days were I really just thought about how happy we were, and how great it was. Unfortunately I am generally pretty on and off depressed. I really don't like to be, I really despise being depressed, and I'm actively fighting it away all the time. This is just what I think I did next. I'm not really sure. I'm not a shrink. I think I decided that our relationship was my life. It was what I was getting up for, it was what I was making plans for, it was why I picked out my clothes, it was everything. Girls do that right? I wasn't thinking that this was what I was doing. But I wasn't doing anything else. I wasn't making friends or having a separate life. Even living an hour away didn't stop this from happening. I was using it, a good thing I had found in my life, to make my whole life feel good. It was my only concern so I wasn't depressed. Obviously this was going to cause problems. He, being a fairly normal person was living a separate life. This was great, I was probably some how vicariously living through him. I think fake Dr. Laura talks about that shit in her "10 Stupid Things Woman Do To Mess Up Their Lives" book. But because he had a separate life, and I was making him my life I was starting to get dissatisfied. I was obviously putting more effort into it, because it was too important to me. I was making all of my decisions based on US, and that was unhealthy. The more I focused on it, the more messed up it became. Things that didn't previously bother me started to bother me, he wasn't perfect, so I was upset because that didn't fit into my perfect alter reality that was keeping me out of my real world which consisted of me being depressed. So finally the wall broke and reality crashed in and I had made a HUGE ASS MESS. We had a really good relationship, but it was a source of conflict for me. I was mad at him for messing it up, I had randomly woken up pissed that I hadn't had the self esteem to say something more about the whole "I'd have to chose no relationship" thing, and I couldn't think of any possible way for it to be fixed there were to many little things that were broken, too much that was wrong, and again I just knew we didn't have a future.
So we broke up. And it's all been frighteningly familiar. First he cares a lot, this has come out of no where and he is very upset. I am easily swayed at first, because I still love him, but I eventually stick to my "We're broken up" mantra and that sticks. Then we have to decide to be friends. Half the time I'd rather not be because I am already dealing with stopping myself from calling him up ALL THE TIME and begging for forgiveness and praying that we can just go back to being happy. The other half is that I know I've already tried that, and maybe what we really need is to stay friends because it's too hard to just rip out that part of our lives and move on. So we decide to be friends. Now I get to watch as he accepts that we're over, gets sick of me talking about it because "he's heard all this before," and he'll move on. That's what is supposed to happen, it's happened before, and it's happening now. I hate it. This part right where I feel like I'm never going to care about anyone as much as I care about him, and he is deciding that it is time to move on so he doesn't get hurt anymore. It is the worst part. It's going to be permanent too. I know this feeling. We've been through this process before. I'll probably even decide that I made a huge mistake but I'll be so aware of how far gone he is that I have to stick to my decision, which is what I want. It just makes for never getting over it.
What am I going to do? I'm not an idiot. I know that my problem roots much deeper. The way I handled this situation was a symptom of depression (and normal stuff, I know that some of this is very "o Lindsay everyone deals with that" shit...WHATEVER) not the cause of it. SO I guess I'm seeing a shrink. Hopefully I'll get shrunk, and I'll have revelations, and I'll keep forcing myself to do normal people things, so that eventually I become a normal person. I'm doubtful. I just hope I'm not stuck on repeat forever. I'm really pissed off with myself lately. For so many reasons.
and that's how at 3:19 am I see that relationship.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
in list not paragraph form.
giving the canadian my silver bracelet.
ever moving to leave.
saying no that last time.
ending that one friendship.
that one secret I should never have shared.
answering the phone.
not answering the phone.
not calling.
talking so much, and so little.
learning how to be vague.
getting comfortable with lying.
fear.
ever moving to leave.
saying no that last time.
ending that one friendship.
that one secret I should never have shared.
answering the phone.
not answering the phone.
not calling.
talking so much, and so little.
learning how to be vague.
getting comfortable with lying.
fear.
Monday, October 10, 2011
just a little existential crisis
I feel like everything that has ever made me interesting, or unique, an individual, is gone.
What do I have to offer? I have a desire to stand out, and to be someone but I don't do anything about it and I feel like that makes me very common. I grew up with a certain standard that I was either supposed to live up to or at least appear to live up to. For awhile that was enough. I could fulfill my parents expectations and I was accountable to them for my actions. In reality I learned how to paint a picture that they would accept. Somewhere along the line though I stopped portraying myself to them as who they wanted me to be. They still had a picture to view but it was no longer what they desired. Long story and pointless reflections aside I feel like I've been acting forever. I don't feel like I have any notable opinions, I feel like I'm constantly losing intelligence, I don't really care if my life is in a downward spiral, or at a stand still. I'm stuck. I'm stuck here because I'm not going to change anything. I don't make a difference in any persons life. I'm not going to go out and make improvements to the world. I'm not going to amount to anything. If I stay in this state of mind. I just can't find the switch. I see normal everyday people and they get up and they have lives, jobs, school, and they participate in them. Whether they want to, or have to they actively participate in things. That seems pretty basic to me, it's animal instinct, it's survival. I am not surviving. I am not living. I'm floating along, with a picture for everyone else to see so that no one will interfere with me trying not to exist.
I know what I have to do, but I can't commit to myself that I'll ever do anything about it.
What do I have to offer? I have a desire to stand out, and to be someone but I don't do anything about it and I feel like that makes me very common. I grew up with a certain standard that I was either supposed to live up to or at least appear to live up to. For awhile that was enough. I could fulfill my parents expectations and I was accountable to them for my actions. In reality I learned how to paint a picture that they would accept. Somewhere along the line though I stopped portraying myself to them as who they wanted me to be. They still had a picture to view but it was no longer what they desired. Long story and pointless reflections aside I feel like I've been acting forever. I don't feel like I have any notable opinions, I feel like I'm constantly losing intelligence, I don't really care if my life is in a downward spiral, or at a stand still. I'm stuck. I'm stuck here because I'm not going to change anything. I don't make a difference in any persons life. I'm not going to go out and make improvements to the world. I'm not going to amount to anything. If I stay in this state of mind. I just can't find the switch. I see normal everyday people and they get up and they have lives, jobs, school, and they participate in them. Whether they want to, or have to they actively participate in things. That seems pretty basic to me, it's animal instinct, it's survival. I am not surviving. I am not living. I'm floating along, with a picture for everyone else to see so that no one will interfere with me trying not to exist.
I know what I have to do, but I can't commit to myself that I'll ever do anything about it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Why I'll probably end up being alone
I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I have been labeled "girlfriend" but really..
I know how to be the girl who has SOOO many reasons to say no.
or
I know how to be the girl you don't really tell anyone about because it's not a real relationship anyways
...
I know how to be the girl who has SOOO many reasons to say no.
or
I know how to be the girl you don't really tell anyone about because it's not a real relationship anyways
...
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