I feel like everything that has ever made me interesting, or unique, an individual, is gone.
What do I have to offer? I have a desire to stand out, and to be someone but I don't do anything about it and I feel like that makes me very common. I grew up with a certain standard that I was either supposed to live up to or at least appear to live up to. For awhile that was enough. I could fulfill my parents expectations and I was accountable to them for my actions. In reality I learned how to paint a picture that they would accept. Somewhere along the line though I stopped portraying myself to them as who they wanted me to be. They still had a picture to view but it was no longer what they desired. Long story and pointless reflections aside I feel like I've been acting forever. I don't feel like I have any notable opinions, I feel like I'm constantly losing intelligence, I don't really care if my life is in a downward spiral, or at a stand still. I'm stuck. I'm stuck here because I'm not going to change anything. I don't make a difference in any persons life. I'm not going to go out and make improvements to the world. I'm not going to amount to anything. If I stay in this state of mind. I just can't find the switch. I see normal everyday people and they get up and they have lives, jobs, school, and they participate in them. Whether they want to, or have to they actively participate in things. That seems pretty basic to me, it's animal instinct, it's survival. I am not surviving. I am not living. I'm floating along, with a picture for everyone else to see so that no one will interfere with me trying not to exist.
I know what I have to do, but I can't commit to myself that I'll ever do anything about it.
